Episodes
Arguments, Arguments...
Proud house owner and Tory Alf Garnett is angered by his socialist son-in-law Mike's comments about the family home being a slum. Further humiliation and arguments follow in a boozy session in the local pub.
Hair Raising!
Following yet another political spat with Mike and a subsequent nap, Alf heads off to the pub. There, he's unable to understand why all the punters are laughing at him.
A House with Love in It
It's Alf and Else's 25th wedding anniversary; however, needless to say, Alf has forgotten and it's left to Mike to give him a present to pass on to his wife, not that Alf is grateful.
Intolerance
Alf reluctantly accompanies Mike to see Liverpool play Borussia Dortmund in the European Champions cup. There, his racism takes its toll as he reacts to his fellow match-goers on the terraces, resulting in a visit to the doctor with two black eyes and no voice.
Two Toilets? ... That's Posh!
With no bathroom or inside toilet in his terrace house, Alf resigns himself to washing in the old tin bath in the kitchen whilst Else hangs her washing around him. This screens him from Mike, whom he overhears trying to sell the house in order to get an upmarket place in his name. The prospect of two toilets and an en suite appeals to Alf but he must take action when he realises he might be the young Scouser's lodger.
From Liverpool with Love
Alf is less than pleased when Mike's Irish parentsbcome to stay for the week. However a bizarre alliance forms between Alf and his son-in-law when Mike feels that his father is criticising him as well.
Claustrophobia
The Garnetts visit the West country on holiday. Alf is driving (badly) and, to make matters worse, it turns out that he does not even have a licence! Upon arrival, Alf has inevitable run-ins with the locals and a couple of aristocrats.
Peace and Goodwill
As the Garnetts celebrate Christmas, Alf berates Rita and Mike for only giving him 'Whiffs' as opposed to real cigars and second-rate socks whilst they have bought Else a dress and accuses his atheist son of hypocrisy. Rita is unable to recall his gift of a doll's house when she was little – though that was because Alf fell downstairs and broke it whilst drunk. When the carollers come calling, Alf is ready for then with a vase of dirty water but has to drink it when he sees the vicar heading the singers.
Sex Before Marriage
The sexual morals of the youth of the mid-1960s are far from acceptable to pedagogue Alf, and when Rita's virtue is brought into question by Socialist son-in-law Mike, the predictable explosion occurs.
I Can Give Up Any Time I Like
Pipe smoker Alf reluctantly accepts a challenge given by Mike to give up smoking. Both Else and Rita are pleased, but which of the two men will crack under the strain first?
The Bulldog Breed
In yet another political argument, this time about the war in Vietnam, Alf declares that all protesters are Communists. However, when a lorry driver parks outside Alf's house and refuses to budge, Alf indulges in a little protest of his own.
Caviar on the Dole
When Mike loses his job and has to sign on the dole, Alf is suspicious because he offers to give him more money for the rent. It turns out that he has an extra £5 in his National Assistance but has to give most of it to Alf as increased rent.
A Woman's Place Is in the Home
Alf comes home late from work and finds his dinner burnt to a crisp in the oven. Else tells him that Mike is at the chip shop and that if he phones through to him, it will not be too late for Alf to place his own order. However, Alf is thwarted by others using the phone box.
A Wapping Mythology
Alf returns home full of pride, having bought a portrait photograph of the Duke of Windsor—the former King Edward VIII—he astonishes his family by telling them that his late father was a personal friend and drinking companion of the Duke, and also the Duke is an ardent supporter of Alf's beloved West Ham United.
In Sickness and in Health...
Alf is in hospital for a short stay and he is not a model patient. Uncomfortable with a Black nurse, he defies hygiene by trying to clean his pipe out with a syringe. To worsen matters, he's visited by relatives, something he can truly do without.
State Visit
Learning that the Socialist prime minister he despises, Harold Wilson, is hosting the Russian premier, Alf is appalled, seeing this as yet another example of Wilson's lean into Communism. He decides to go to Downing Street to protest and then head on to Buckingham Palace so that the Queen can see his patriotism.
Alf's Dilemma (aka Cleaning Up TV)
Alf has a stomach bug but Else has blocked the toilet with tea leaves so he has to keep going next door. After decrying immigrants for bringing in diseases, Alf learns that he is carrying a contagious bug himself and has to go into hospital. Rita and Mike gleefully burn his copy of notorious moral guardian Mary Whitehouse's 'Clean Up TV' to prevent further contamination.
The Phone
When Mike is unable to get into the phone box to place Alf's bet on a horse which ultimately wins, Alf decides it's time for the Garnetts to have their own phone. Despite Mike trying to wind him up by pretending to be the operator, Alf is proud of his new possession but becomes agitated when Else allows Min from next door to come over and use the phone, turning down the volume on the show he's trying to watch.
The Blood Donor
Believing that Alf is scared to be a blood donor, Mike bets that even if he did give blood, it would be rejected. Alf is sure that his blood will be of service to somebody of importance and then has a dream that he's at Buckingham Palace, where he has helped out the Queen by his donation.
Monopoly
On New Year's Eve, Alf, not wanting to join the others at the party over the road, gets out his old Monopoly set. When everyone returns, they have a game, leading to the inevitable row over property between Alf and Mike, and Alf resorting to drastic action.
The Funeral
Out of grudging respect for a late female neighbour he despised, Alf orders the telly off for the whole day. Mike informs Alf that his beloved West Ham will play Fulham, on telly that evening, but will Alf ultimately watch the Hammers 7-2 triumph?
Football
Despite confiscating the local kids' football, Alf is invited by the vicar to act as youth soccer coach, attracting scorn from Mike. Needless to say, Alf is not a good trainer, concentrating on the skills of only one player, though he does attract the attention of some well-known players.
The Puppy
Alf returns from the pub with a mongrel puppy. The family find it adorable but it isn't exactly house-trained. The more the others find it charming through its antisocial antics, the more Alf comes to resent it and wants to get rid of it.
Aunt Maud
When Else is laid up with bronchitis, her sister Maud arrives to care for the family. She and Alf hate each other and, after he insults her once too often, she refuses to cook for him. Maud also sees an opportunity to make him jealous when an old flame of Else's visits, and she hints that something might've happened between George and Else on Brighton Beach before the war.
To Garnett a Grandson
Rita gives birth to a son and Alf, eventually – as he would rather be in the pub wetting the baby's head – visits her in hospital. Initial pride at seeing his grandson soon leads to an argument with Mike, who wants to call his son Michael Patrick – too IRA for Alf, who is also annoyed that the surname will be Rawlins, not Garnett, and the christening will take place in a Catholic church.
Pigeon Fancier
Alf has received a tax rebate and is celebrating by blowing it in the pub, where he hears about another regular's racing pigeons. Alf believes he's onto a winner by taking up the sport himself and takes a train to set the birds free, though inevitably, things don't go as planned.
Holiday in Bournemouth
The Garnetts take a train to Bournemouth, where Alf gets into an argument with an Indian passenger and is aghast to be informed that the man is first class. On arrival, there's further moanings – sunburn, the taxi driver, though the hotel proprietress with the henpecked husband can teach him a thing or two about rabbiting on.
Dock Pilfering
Even at the breakfast table, Alf is on his high horse, mouthing off about how the government should put looters and thieves up against the wall and execute them. However, when he gets to work and finds that Else has got her own back on him by putting nothing in his lunch-box, he faces an ethical dilemma. Steal or starve.
Up the Hammers
Alf wants his grandson Michael to play for West Ham, and follow in the footsteps of his beloved Bobby Moore, so he whisks baby Michael away to watch 'The Hammers' at Upton Park, but an unpleasant welcome awaits on his return home.
Alf's Broken Leg
Alf is bedridden, having slipped on Else's newly-polished floor and broken his leg. Bored with being stuck inside, he asks Else to push him in a wheelchair to the pub but it's too much for her and she forfeits. Some lads come to Alf's rescue and take him to his destination but not exactly in the best manner.
TV Licence
Alf is determined to respect the two minutes silence 'To honor the dead' on Remembrance Day but will Rita and Mike's disrespect and wife Else's loyalty to the BBC ruin it for him?
The Royal Wedding
Princess Anne is set to marry Captain Mark Phillips, so Alf, loyal to the royal family, celebrates by organising a street party, complete with piano — but will anyone turn up?
Strikes and Blackouts
It's freezing outside, and it's worsened by the miners' strike. A cold and hungry Alf explodes in rage when Else tells him she has no food in the larder. Else, the miners, Harold Wilson, and Mike feel his wrath.
Three Day Week
In line with his Tory leader's declaration, Alf is now working three days but is appalled to find Else is doing the same and she hasn't cooked dinner. This leads to her commenting on his selfishness over their years of marriage and tricking him into buying her a new coat.
Gran's Watch
Gran is very ill and Else is very concerned, while Alf is uncaring, they visit the sick old lady. Alf, believing Gran is not long for this world, pilfers her late husband's pocket-watch, but he is in for a shock.
Party Night
Supreme male chauvinist pig Alf is put to the test when Else and Rita get drunk at the pub. Things get worse when he tangles with a blonde call girl.
Paki-Paddy
While boozing at the pub, racist Alf makes Gran laugh by ridiculing the Pakistani, 'Paki-Paddy'. But the laughter screeches to a halt when Gran informs him the strangely half-Irish, half-Pakistani gentleman will be his new neighbour!
Phone Call to Else
Alf is well and truly missing Else's housework and cooking so he rings her to ask when she will be home but receives no definite answer. Else has asked Min from next door to cook meals for Alf.
Marital Bliss
Alf finds himself in the middle when neighbour Bert arrives, closely followed by his wife Min after they've had a row over her food. The two men repair to the pub to drown their sorrows and to hit upon the ideal solution as to how to keep a woman in her place. This is of course asking for trouble when they inevitably return home and face Min's wrath.
Wedgie Benn
Alf, the Reeds, and the Rawlins get involved in the undeniable political discourse. Alf regards long term Labour minister Anthony Wedgewood Benn a fraud because he has a title – which he'll later renounce – and resides in a wealthy Conservative neighbourhood. Mike, however, turns the tables on his father-in-law by pointing out that Alf is a Conservative voter living in a far from wealthy Labour stronghold.
The Wake
Min's mother has died and everybody has returned from the funeral though Min is adamant that her mother will be reincarnated as a blackbird. Having ensured that he has not already learnt of its outcome, Alf settles down to watch the Ali-Foreman fight but there are, of course, complications.
Christmas Club Books
Alf has been asked to look after the Christmas club subscriptions at the local pub in Else's absence. However, maths isn't his strong point and he has trouble balancing the books. This in turn leads to the regulars suspecting that, instead of intending to pay them out, he is keeping the cash to join his wife in Oz.
The Letter
Else has sent a letter to Min and not to Alf, suggesting that Rita and Mike bring Michael Junior to Australia, as she has no intention of returning to England. Alf doesn't believe Min when she tells him but, on finding the letter, must face up to the truth.
Moving in with Min
With no sign of Else ever returning, Alf decides to put his house on the market, though with Rita and Mike as sitting tenants, this creates a problem. As a trial run, he becomes the Reads' lodger but falls foul of Min who, after he's resisted her amorous advances, refuses to cook him a proper meal.
Min the Housekeeper
Returning home from work, Alf finds Min with her feet up watching his colour television with no attempt to make him dinner. This is the cue for Alf and Bert to repair to the pub and compare stories about Min. Mike challenges Alf to a race around the block.
Drunk in Charge of a Bicycle
Min has decided that Bert must lose weight and keep fit by going out jogging. Alf accompanies on a pushbike to make sure that Bert keeps pace. Before long, they're both heartily sick of the exercise and repair to the pub to drown their sorrows. But, on the way home, they are pulled over by the police who find Alf drunk in charge of a bicycle.
The Window
When Mike points out that the windows at the Garnett house have not been washed in years, Alf decides to save money and clean them himself rather than bring in a professional. Unfortunately, whilst he sits on the ledge, the window comes down, trapping his legs underneath and, although several passerby gawp, it's a while before he is freed. Fortunately, Bert has brought the television up to the bedroom to help pass the time for the prisoner.
A Hole in One
Alf and Bert decide to increase their status by joining the local golf club though they're not very good and the regular club members notice. However, they learn that the seventeenth hole is famous in that everybody seems able to score a hole in one there and they set about faking their own version of obtaining the coveted score by cheating.
Unemployment
Alf is not a happy bigot; he's lost his job and returns to an empty and dark house. And all on his birthday too. He fears that he has been burgled but in fact the lights go on and friends and neighbors are ready to spring a happy birthday surprise on him.
Cast
Warren Mitchell
Alf Garnett
Una Stubbs
Rita Rawlins (née Garnett)
Anthony Booth
Michael 'Mike' Rawlins
Patricia Hayes
Min Reed
Alfie Bass
Bert Reed
Crew
Dennis Main Wilson
Producer
Johnny Speight
Writer
Dennis Wilson
Music
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