Episodes
Pilot
Carefree jingle writer Charlie Harper has his lifestyle altered when his uptight brother and his 10-year-old nephew move in with him.
Big Flappy Bastards
Despite warnings from Charlie, Jake continues to feed seagulls on the deck and the birds invade the house. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks Judith is taking advantage of Alan, who keeps going to her house to fix things.
Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
Jake wants to go home to his mom after he gets sick, prompting Alan to think he's a failure as a husband and now as a father.
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
Charlie can't function when his housekeeper storms off because of Alan's constant complaints, so Alan tries desperately to woo her back. Meanwhile, Rose comes to Charlie for dating advice.
The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump
Alan and Charlie have encounters with some highly libidinous soccer moms, but with two very different outcomes.
Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
The guys go to Evelyn's house to meet the new man she's dating, and Charlie realizes the man's daughter is a woman he's trying to avoid.
If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
Judith is upset with Alan and Charlie when she learns that a surfer who uses Charlie's shower walks around half naked in front of Jake . Then Alan's worried when Judith and the surfer become friends.
Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful
Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.
Phase One, Complete
Charlie is convinced that a woman who spent the night with him wants to turn their relationship into something serious after she befriends Jake and Evelyn.
Merry Thanksgiving
Realizing he's losing someone special, Charlie plans a Thanksgiving dinner to convince her he's a family guy and that she should be with him.
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
When Alan is surprised to see that Judith has had a makeover and is dating a man, he decides to have Charlie help him transform his image.
Camel Filters and Pheromones
Berta's granddaughter spends the day at Charlie's, which isn't a problem until he learns she's a beautiful, rebellious 16-year-old.
Sarah Like Puny Alan
Charlie nurses an ailing Alan back to health so they can go on a double date with two sisters, one of whom Charlie's been wanting to date for a long time.
I Can't Afford Hyenas
Charlie's financial manager informs the carefree jingle writer that he spends money faster than his royalty checks come in, and now he must go on a budget.
Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
Charlie invites a mysterious, slightly crazed woman to stay at the house until she can settle some family problems.
That Was Saliva, Alan
Charlie is perplexed when Frankie, the mysterious woman temporarily living in the Harper household, begins falling for Alan and not him.
Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
Charlie's still brooding over Alan's choice of their cousin as Jake's guardian if both parents die when the boy has an accident while in his care and has to be rushed to the hospital.
An Old Flame With a New Wick
Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man.
I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
Judith's devious siren sister stirs things up at Jake's 11th birthday party when she hits on Alan. Meanwhile, Evelyn brings alcohol and has a party of her own.
Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
Jake's sullen mood baffles and bothers the family and prompts Alan and Judith to take him to a child psychologist.
No Sniffing, No Wowing
Charlie plays a tricky game when he gets involved with Alan's divorce lawyer, who could make things difficult for Alan if she were, say, dumped by a self-centered lothario.
My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
When Charlie discovers that Alan is sleepwalking, he believes it's related to his brother's lack of sex following his divorce, and comes up with a cure.
Just Like Buffalo
When Jake repeats one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women convince Judith to stop Jake's visits with his dad and Charlie.
Can You Feel My Finger?
Charlie has a pregnancy scare involving one of his one-night stands and decides to go for the big "V," and we're not talking Vegas.
Back Off, Mary Poppins
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician, and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.
A Bag Full of Jawea
Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension for giving his teacher (Missi Pyle) the finger by romancing her, but his several attempts fail every time.
Go Get Mommy's Bra
Jake is very impressed and can't stop talking about his mother's new boyfriend, Dr. Melnick, which annoys Alan. While Evelyn borrows Charlie's car to help her impress a Saudi prince, because she wants to sell him real estate. When Charlie gets his car back, he discovers his mother's bra in the backseat. When he finds out why it's there he decides to trade in his car.
Bad News from the Clinic?
Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who's better at playing hard to get than he is.
The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.
Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
Alan meets a woman named Nancy at a grocery store, who fulfills every single one of his desires, forcing Charlie to take care of Jake. After knowing Nancy for a few days Alan decides to ask her to marry him, prompting Charlie to try and talk him out of it, and he even gets help from the brothers' mother.
Yes, Monsignor
When Charlie leaves the house to avoid a date that he can't stand, he ends up at a coffee shop, where he meets his old girlfriend Lisa. He finds out that she broke up with her husband, and now has a child. Now he must try to convince Lisa that he's okay with her having a child. While Jake tries to justify to his father why he isn't doing so well in school.
The Salmon Under My Sweater
Charlie tries to get Jake's approval on a theme song that he is hired to write for a television show, which is based on a comic book that Jake is a fan. While Alan finds out more about Rose (including how smart she is), when he spends more time with her.
Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
After getting unusually turned down at a bar, Charlie learns that a website has been made dedicated to exposing his lifestyle. Charlie sets out to find who created the site, making amends to all those he stood up, but it's harder than it looks when all the women take the apology better than expected.
A Lungful of Alan
Alan is jealous of Charlie when an old classmate, who's now a beautiful woman, seems to be more interested in Charlie.
Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów (Get Off My Hair)
After an earthquake hits, Judith's house is damaged and she needs a place to stay. So Alan decides to invite her to stay with him and Charlie, without getting Charlie's permission. Charlie isn't happy with this, but accepts it. Alan becomes jealous when Judith goes on a date, and asks Charlie to find him a date, so that he can show Judith that he dates as well.
Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
The brothers throw out their mother, after she insults the way Alan is raising Jake. When Alan and Charlie ignore her phone calls, to get their attention she ends up in the hospital. When Alan and Charlie show up at the hospital they aren't sure if she's faking, and try to call her bluff.
Smell the Umbrella Stand
Alan starts to worry about a medical procedure that he is facing, and to get his mind off it, Charlie suggests they go to Las Vegas.
Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
When Judith decides to take a vacation, the brothers have to take care of Jake during the week. Alan finds it challenging, and even forgets to pick up Jake from soccer practice. When Alan finds out that he has to go to the I.R.S. because they're auditing him, he forces Charlie to take care of Jake, and Charlie doesn't do any better then Alan.
Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!
After Charlie has back pain, Alan decides to take him to the Hospital. While there Charlie can't stop hitting on the doctor who is examining him. The only problem is that he has a history with her that he can't remember. Berta is feed up with Jake's inability to use the bathroom properly, so she decides to make him clean it until he learns.
It Was 'Mame', Mom
Charlie is invited to a party hosted by a gay ad-executive named Eric, so Charlie asks Alan to pretend that he's his life partner. While at the party, Charlie meets Eric's ex-wife Pamela, and tries to sleep with her without Eric finding out.
A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise
After Charlie takes Alan to an eye doctor, they end up at cafe where they bump into Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Sherri. While there Alan shows an interest in Sherri, and decides to ask her out. The problem is that Alan can't get over Sherri's relationship with Charlie.
I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings, when Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other.
A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry has died. They all attend the funeral, including Jake who is excited at the opportunity of seeing a ""dead guy"". Charlie is excited by the opportunity of a newly single widow, and Alan is just happy to pay his respects to Harry.
That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
Evelyn buys Alan a new Sports car causing Charlie to claim that his brother has sold his soul to the Devil. The next day, Evelyn extracts payment by insisting that Alan go on a blind, double date with her, her new beau and his daughter. At the restaurant, Alan learns that his mother and boyfriend will not be able to join them because there was a mixup between his heart medication and Viagra and she didn't want to ""waste it"". As a result, Alan is left to deal with the daughter, who is on a weekend pass from a rehab center and still has some loose screws. Alan eventually gets her back to the beach house only to have her drive off in his new sports car and become the object of a televised high-speed car chase.
Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
Evelyn demands Jake spend a night at her place when she finds out he spent Spring Break with Judith's parents. Neither Alan nor Charlie are keen on the idea, but going to a bar after dropping off Jake quickly erases their concerns.
Does This Smell Funny to You?
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an older man's trophy wife while Jake has to read a paper to his class.
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
After falling off the roof, Alan needs Charlie's help in looking after Jake, which interferes with Charlie's social life.
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
Jake gets suspended from school after drawing an offensive picture of a girl in his class that has large breasts. Meanwhile, Charlie is asked to watch over Alan's chiropractic office after pulling an all-nighter.
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
Alan has been dating a lot, and Charlie soon finds out that it has been one woman - his ex-wife, Judith. He tries to stop Alan, and even brings Rose, Evelyn and Berta to interfere - but Alan ignores them all.
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
Berta causes tension between Charlie and Alan, when she temporarily moves in with them
We Called It Mr. Pinky
Charlie learns he can't be in a long-lasting relationship, becuase of unresolved issues he has with his mother. Jake asks Charlie for advice about a girl at school.
Hi, Mr. Horned One
Ignoring Alan's warnings, Charlie continues to date Isabella until she threatens to put a curse on his manhood.
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
Charlie wakes up with Rose the morning after her birthday party. Her irate father comes to ask Charlie about what the future holds for him and Rose, but the unexpected happens when Evelyn shows up.
That Voodoo That I Do Do
Charlie tricks Jake into taking ballet lessons, so he can get close to the teacher.
Madame and Her Special Friend
One of Charlie's elderly neighbors tries to seduce Alan, while Charlie tries to stop Jake from giving money to a televangelist.
Something Salted and Twisted
Charlie helps Alan with his obsession of always having to get approval from the women in his life.
Santa's Village of the Damned
Alan starts dating a woman with a Martha Stewart complex. Before long she's running the house with an obsession for perfection.
That Special Tug
Charlie sees a therapist to learn how to deal with Alan's emotional insecurities.
Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
Charlie finds himself in a relationship that is not based on sex.
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
Charlie arranges a romantic date with Mia in the hopes of consummating their relationship. Alan begins to date Charlie's most recent ex-girlfriend.
My Tongue Is Meat
Charlie has trouble keeping up with Mia's healthy lifestyle, so he begins to sneak beers, cigars, and burgers behind her back. When Mia finds out what he was doing, Charlie has to decide if he is truly in love with her or just whipped.
Ergo, the Booty Call
Alan has trouble deciding if he should bring his younger girlfriend to Jake's birthday party to meet his mom and his ex-wife. Rose tries to get her boyfriend to act more like Charlie.
The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer
Charlie is nominated for an advertising award, but he decides to boycott it because his arch nemesis always wins. The rest of his family tries to trick him into going. Rose is having relationship problems with Gordon and seeks help from Charlie.
The Spit-Covered Cobbler
Alan starts to have financial problems when he starts paying for his girlfriend's bills, so Charlie tries to get him to break up with her. Meanwhile, Judith is after Alan because he is late in paying his alimony check.
Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
Charlie is surprised to find out that Kandi has been living with them for the last three weeks. Alan is having a tough time helping Kandi earn a living. Charlie has lost his sense because of the dry-spell he is going through.
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
Alan tries to win Kandi back. Meanwhile, Charlie starts to sleep with her mom, Mandi, and Judith gets set up with her father, Andy.
And the Plot Moistens
Jake's teacher has a meeting with Alan and Judith to discuss the lack of interest Jake has at school. Alan starts to fall for Francine, in a platonic way, because he is tired of the lack of intelligent communication he has with Kandi. Charlie helps Jake audition for his school musical.
Just Once with Aunt Sophie
A girl from Jake's school invites him to his first boy-girl party. Charlie and Alan help him get ready for it by giving him advice. Alan and Charlie get nostalgic and remember their first boy-girl party.
Arguments for the Quickie
Mia comes back to town with her dance troupe and invites Charlie to her performance. At first, he decides not to go and tries to convince Alan that he no longer has feelings for her. He goes to the see the performance and Mia explains that she wants some of Charlie's sperm. Charlie responds by asking Mia for something.
That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Charlie and Mia start making their wedding arrangements. Things begin to fall apart when their two families meet each other. They eventually decide on a small ceremony in Las Vegas.
Working for Caligula
Charlie returns to his bachelor lifestyle after Alan moves out of the house. Alan suffers a breakdown after his divorce from Kandi.
Who Is This Vod Kanockers?
Charlie finally tells Alan that he didn't marry Mia because she wanted Alan and Jake to move out of the house, but Alan finds a hole in his logic. Charlie and Alan deal with a noisy neighbor who constantly sings all the time, who happens to be Steven Tyler.
The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
Charlie tries to surf to impress Dottie, a beautiful woman he just met, but after he nearly drowns he is convinced that he saw his late father.
A Pot-Smokin' Monkey
Alan tries to hire his ex-wife's lawyer to help him win custody over the dog he and Kandi shared.
A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
Alan is overjoyed by the prospect of Judith remarrying, as he would no longer have to pay alimony. Alan gets Charlie to help him when it looks like the marriage maybe derailed due to Jake's dislike of his mother's fiancé.
Apologies for the Frivolity
Charlie is dating a woman whose personality and life are like his mother's.
Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
Berta's daughter, Naomi is pregnant and Berta drags Charlie with her when she confronts the baby's father. Alan reveals a secret fetish.
Release the Dogs
Alan suffers from insomnia. He visits his psychiatrist, who reveals that the cause of Alan's sleepless nights is his jealousy towards Charlie, and his inability to glide through life.
Corey's Been Dead for an Hour
Charlie gets tired of Alan's mooching and reaches the breaking point during the brothers' double date. Jake is left home alone for the first time.
Kissing Abe Lincoln
Worrying Charlie may get rid of one of them, Berta and Lydia fight over him. Meanwhile, Kandi does everything she can to stop Alan from selling their condo.
Walnuts and Demerol
Charlie's friends and family put a crimp in his plan for a romantic Christmas Eve date. When Evelyn sees who the date is, she goes to great lengths to force a wedge between them.
Castrating Sheep in Montana
Berta discovers that Alan has been dating her daughter Naomi.
Don't Worry, Speed Racer
Jake shares that he has heard his mother having sex with her fiancée, Herb; this revelation brings up a repressed memory for Charlie. This leads Charlie to seek help from Rose.
That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
Charlie sets Alan up with their new neighbour. But he gets jealous when the two form a bond.
My Damn Stalker
Rose is moving to London, and Charlie is surprised by his reaction to the news. Alan lies to a woman he met online.
Young People Have Phlegm Too
Charlie's young, hot girlfriend takes him to a new club. She invites Alan to meet one of her friends but the men are shocked to learn that they are considered as being "old".
I Merely Slept with a Commie
After Evelyn tells Alan and Charlie how she feels about there being no mourners at her friend's funeral, the boys share their feelings that this could also be the case at her funeral. Evelyn tries to prove them wrong by introducing them to a couple she help adopt a boy from China. The boys return fire by inviting the young man to a play date with Jake.
It Never Rains in Hooterville
Alan tries to bond with Jake when he realizes that his childhood is almost over. Kandi pursues a career in acting.
Smooth as a Ken Doll
Charlie takes a liking to Myra, the witty sister of Judith's fiancé, Herb.
Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
Alan looks forward to Judith's wedding, while Charlie and Myra continue their romance.
Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
Alan and Charlie re-examine their sexual identities after Alan befriends Greg, a gay man. Meanwhile, Jake has a crush on Greg's daughter.
Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
Jake gets lucky after Charlie takes him to the racetrack. Meanwhile, Alan has a difficult time at the DMV.
Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'
Charlie is shocked when the handyman working on his house beats him out for Chloe's affections. Alan has no sympathy for Charlie's distress.
Prostitutes and Gelato
Evelyn's boyfriend, Teddy, invites Alan and Charlie to go with him to Las Vegas on his private jet. The boys confront their individual 'daddy issues'
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
Jake is getting ready to start a new school as he graduates to Junior High. Alan and Charlie take him school shopping and find themselves in trouble.
Media Room Slash Dungeon
Charlie acts strange after spending an evening with his mother, and a woman Alan slept with behaves oddly the next morning.
Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
Alan convinces Charlie that he needs to date more respectable women and sets him up with a judge. The two double date and their waitress happens to be one of Charlie's ex-girlfriends. Charlie's date backfires the following morning, when he ends up in court in front of the judge.
City of Great Racks
Charlie and Linda get closer to consummating their relationship, but Charlie has trouble focusing when he begins to see Rose's face everywhere he turns.
Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
Charlie has to come up with ways to keep his girlfriend's 4-year-old amused; Alan becomes a test subject.
Help Daddy Find His Toenail
Charlie's girlfriend is embrassed to go out in public with him. Meanwhile, Jake sneaks out to attend a concert.
The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
After Alan and Charlie have a fight about Alan's role in the house. Alan packs Jake up and moves in with his mother.
Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
Charlie writes a children's song and finds success as Charlie Waffles. The children love him and the mothers seem to as well. Charlie's new found fame irritates Alan.
Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids
Charlie fights his attraction for Teddy's daughter.
Kinda Like Necrophilia
Alan finds out that Charlie stole his girlfriend and works on a plan to get back at Charlie, even though this happened when they were in high school.
Meander to Your Dander
When Alan finds himself wanting to break up with a woman, Charlie offers his expertise.
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
Rose returns from England, and plays nurse rather oddly for an ill Charlie.
The Soil Is Moist
Alan finds out some surprising information about Judith's sex life when he decides to go on a date with one of her friends.
Winky-Dink Time
Charlie double-dates with Jake and fixes Alan up with a hooker.
Rough Night in Hump Junction
Alan feels Charlie is unable to control his womanizing ways.
Look at Me Mommy, I'm Pretty
Alan makes wedding plans for Evelyn and Teddy, while Charlie figures out how to get more acquainted with his future step-sister.
Fish in a Drawer
CSIs investigate a death at Charlie's house.
If My Hole Could Talk
Charlie's attracted to an older self-help author. Alan and Jake clash over a project for school.
Waiting for the Right Snapper
When Charlie meets Angie's soon to be daughter-in-law, he realizes it's not for the first time.
Taterhead Is Our Love Child
In the 6th season opener, Charlie runs into an ex-girlfriend and a child who bears a striking resemblance to Charlie.
Pie Hole, Herb
Charlie borrowed money from Alan and on the day he is supposed to pay him back, Alan goes to ask Charlie for the money. He again finds Charlie in bed with a beautiful woman. After Charlie shoos him out and assures him he'll get the money for him later that day, the woman asks if Charlie is really out of cash and Charlie tells her not to worry, that he has plenty of hooker money.
Damn You, Eggs Benedict
Alan, Jake, and Charlie all decide to try new things: Alan is dating more than one woman, Charlie learns to cook, and Jake experiments with beer.
The Flavin' and the Mavin'
Alan is sure that things will turn bad when Charlie starts dating his receptionist.
A Jock Strap in Hell
Charlie tries to help Jake's former teacher, who became a stripper after dating him, but things go from bad to worse when she has a religious conversion.
It's Always Nazi Week
When Judith kicks Herb to the curb, Alan comes knocking; Jake is sent to stay with a less-than-willing Charlie for three months during Judith's meltdown.
Best H.O. Money Can Buy
Alan tries to escape Judith's grasp as Charlie and Herb go on the prowl to pick up women. They later end up going back to Herb's hotel room with two prostitutes, where Herb declares his love for Judith and races over to win her back.
Pinocchio's Mouth
Charlie's new girlfriend Chelsea asks him to spend the night at her place, which puts Charlie well outside of his comfort zone, while Alan tries to enforce a punishment on Jake initiated by Judith for mooning a group of girls.
The Mooch at the Boo
Charlie finds himself in an uncomfortable position when Jake takes off with the daughter of a former NFL player. Charlie's Mercedes proves a boon to Alan's love life.
He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education, and Alan becomes listless because he has no compelling reason to work anymore, while Jake discovers a hidden talent in the culinary arts that may allow him to bypass college altogether.
The Devil's Lube
Charlie finds himself re-examining his wild ways when an old friend dies and begins to feel that his time on Earth may be drawing to a close.
Thank God for Scoliosis
Charlie and Jake fight for the affections of a waitress, while Alan fights sexual tension with his receptionist.
I Think You Offended Don
Judith is pregnant with a baby girl and Alan is convinced he is the father.
David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
Melissa doesn't think Alan's family appreciates him, so she asks him to move in with her and her mom.
I'd Like to Start with the Cat
Charlie ends up in couples counseling.
She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime
Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman from his bedroom before Chelsea arrives.
The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
Charlie's admission that he's in love with Chelsea gets a surprising reaction from her
My Son's Enormous Head
Chelsea's illness gives Charlie a chance to prove he can take care of her, but also yearning to run away from the situation.
The Two Finger Rule
After Chelsea discovers a nude picture of another woman on Charlie's cell phone, he blows off steam by going out for a night of drinking with Alan, Herb and his neighbor.
Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
Charlie's desperate to make sure Chelsea and Evelyn don't befriend each other following their first meeting.
Above Exalted Cyclops
Chelsea is asked by Alan to arrange a blind date between he and her new friend, unaware that her new friend is Rose.
Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
Charlie mourns the loss of his bachelor pad as he reluctantly allows Chelsea to move in. Meanwhile, Alan discovers there is no longer much space left in the house for him.
Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth
Alan and Chelsea become best buds, and Charlie decides to take advantage of the situation.
Baseball Was Better with Steroids
Charlie starts to question his relationship with Chelsea when he hears that Mia is back in town. Meanwhile, Judith goes into labor and Charlie, Alan and Herb rush her to the hospital, on the sixth season finale.
818-JKLPUZO
Charlie must make a difficult decision about his future and with which woman he wants to spend his life: Chelsea or Mia.
Whipped Unto the Third Generation
When Chelsea convinces Charlie to let Alan's new girlfriend, Melissa, move in, the girls end up taking over Charlie's house.
Mmm, Fish. Yum.
Alan ends up playing maid to Judith's new baby as well as his former mother-in-law. Meanwhile, Jake uses an incriminating photo to blackmail Charlie.
Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
Alan starts working for Evelyn as Charlie works to fix the relationship between Chelsea and Jake.
For the Sake of the Child
Jake stops at nothing to get away from Charlie and Alan, after they embarrass him out in public.
Give Me Your Thumb
Alan's advice to Chelsea that she get breast-reduction surgery is not met with enthusiasm by Charlie, who kicks him out, but staying with Evelyn has its own challenges.
Untainted by Filth
Alan and Charlie are shocked when they wake up next to a strange woman, and try to find out what happened.
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
While overcoming a bad break-up, Chelsea invites her beautiful college roommate to stay at the house.
Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
While Alan struggles to cure his baldness, Charlie deals with the problem that he can't satisfy Chelsea.
That's Why They Call It "Ball Room"
Chelsea wants Charlie to take dancing lessons for the wedding, when Charlie uncovers the truth that Chelsea has been lying about her finances.
Warning, It's Dirty
Jake is taught the art of infidelity by Charlie, while Celeste is away for Christmas.
Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
Jake hopes to win back Celeste by writing her love songs. Alan and Herb hope to keep Judith from finding out they've become friends.
Yay, No Polyps!
Charlie opts to have a colonoscopy in order to avoid going on a trip with Chelsea to see her parents. However, when he returns home, he finds her parents at his house.
Crude and Uncalled For
Charlie suspects Chelsea likes the lawyer representing Alan after his arrest for a bar fight.
Aye, Aye, Captain Douche
Chelsea and Charlie's relationship is at risk when Charlie's jealousy comes between them.
Tinkle Like a Princess
Charlie runs off to Vegas and returns with a new wife, but she's not Chelsea.
I Found Your Moustache
Charlie and Chelsea have a post-breakup one-night stand.
Ixnay on the Oggie Day
Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend, while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient.
Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
Alan is torn between the bad influence of Jake's new friend and the hotness of his mother.
I Called Him Magoo
Alan tries for an intimate night at a hotel with his new girlfriend, while Charlie takes a different approach to obtain the "girlfriend experience"
Gumby with a Pokey
Charlie is visited by the ghosts of his ex-girlfriends while Alan and Jake are on a road trip.
This Is Not Gonna End Well
Charlie is miffed over Alan's planned attendance of Chelsea's birthday party and suffers the indignity of having Jake chauffer him around following a license suspension.
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
When Jake finds out that Alan has been dating Eldridge's mom, he packs up and heads to Judith and Herb's. Meanwhile, Charlie decides it's time to cut back on boozing.
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
Charlie is willing to do anything for Alan to accept Lyndsey's offer to move in with her.
A Pudding-Filled Cactus
After moving in with Lyndsey, Alan continues to have a rendezvous with Melissa at Charlie's house.
Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
Lyndsey and Eldridge move into Charlie's house after their home burns down.
The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
Alan pretends to be Charlie when he goes out on the town; Charlie sneaks off for cosmetic surgery.
Twanging Your Magic Clanger
Charlie has difficulty dealing with dating a slightly older woman.
The Crazy Bitch Gazette
Charlie's girlfriend gets fed up with his stalker, Rose.
Springtime on a Stick
Charlie and Alan try to set up Evelyn with Russell the pharmacist.
A Good Time in Central Africa
When Berta takes a couple of days off, Charlie falls for her replacement. Meanwhile, Alan believes he's being stalked by Lyndsey's ex-husband.
Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
When Charlie's ex-girlfriend Courtney is released from prison, he treats her to the good life despite her having been in prison for conning him.
Dead from the Waist Down
Alan goes to great lengths to be able to get Lyndsey a nice birthday present.
Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
Depressed after his breakup from Courtney (Jenny McCarthy), Charlie goes to see his psychiatrist (Jane Lynch).
Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
Alan feels paranoid when Lyndsey becomes friendly with Charlie.
Lookin' for Japanese Subs
Obsessed and believing her to be married, Charlie starts stalking Rose. Jake and Eldridge start taping themselves doing Jackass-style stunts.
Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
While Charlie and Rose carry on their "affair," Alan's chiropractic business turns into a Ponzi scheme.
That Darn Priest
Rose and Alan discover each other's secrets. Meanwhile, Charlie's desperate to get some time alone with Rose.
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
Alan and Jake meet Walden Schmidt, a broken-hearted billionaire.
People Who Love Peepholes
Walden deals with his ex-wife, Bridget.
Big Girls Don't Throw Food
Alan prepares Walden for a date with Bridget, while Jake decides to emulate Walden and drop out of school.
Nine Magic Fingers
Walden goes looking for Mrs. Right while Alan has an opportunity to reconcile with Lyndsey.
A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
Alan has trouble accepting Lyndsey's seedy movie past, and Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party.
The Squat and Hover
Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her.
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
Jake has a crush on his chemistry tutor, who has a crush on Walden. Meanwhile, Alan obsesses over the journal his brother left him in his will.
Thank You for the Intercourse
When Walden begins redecorating the beach house, Alan becomes overly emotional.
Frodo's Headshots
Upon his release from the hospital, Alan is met with a slew of challenges that test his ability to cope.
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
Walden hits it off with a British babe, but neither of them is sure he's ready to re-enter the dating world.
What a Lovely Landing Strip
Walden is trying his best to impress his new love interest when Bridget reappears in his life.
One False Move, Zimbabwe!
Walden's mother arrives and Alan is smitten with her, even as she reveals a secret about Walden's past that sends him into a downward spiral.
Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
Walden's ex-wife and mother try to take control of his company, so he turns to Alan for help.
A Possum on Chemo
Zoey tries to convince Walden to cut his hair and shave; Alan and Lyndsey revive their relationship.
The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
Walden tries to loosen Zooey up by sharing some of Berta's special brownies.
Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
Strained relationships and girl-fighting result when a huge storm traps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lyndsey in the house on Valentine's Day.
Not in My Mouth!
Walden and Zoey's relationship suffers after they share a near-death experience. Meanwhile, Alan wonders if Lyndsey has a drinking problem.
The War Against Gingivitis
Walden's ex-business partner shows up at the beach house looking to make peace.
Palmdale, Ech
Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers. Jake and Eldridge get a ride from Walden to a party.
Grandma's Pie
Walden breaks the news to Zoey that he is going into business with his ex-wife. Alan and Lyndsey try to cope with their mom's relationship.
Mr. Hose Says "Yes"
Walden's commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey
Why We Gave Up Women
Charlie's ghost pays a visit to Alan after he suffers a minor heart attack.
The Straw in My Donut Hole
Alan is showered with love and affection upon returning from the hospital, but Zoey isn't so sure it's deserved.
Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Jake is pressured to make a decision about his future.
I Changed My Mind About the Milk
Walden plans a big surprise for Zoey's birthday.
A Big Bag of Dog
Zoey and Walden break up, causing Walden to experience a breakdown.
Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
Alan and Lyndsey decide to spice things up in the bedroom.
You Do Know What the Lollipop's For
Walden starts to feel his age when a friend's daughter comes to town.
That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam
Despite Alan's warnings, Walden starts dating Rose.
Ferrets, Attack!
Walden must choose between Zoey and Rose.
Avoid the Chinese Mustard
When Walden gets tired of the complications that come with a traditional relationship, he hires an actress to be his girlfriend; Jake plans a rendezvous with Missi (Miley Cyrus) at the beach house.
Something My Gynecologist Said
Alan feels reluctant to make a commitment to Lyndsey, but an unexpected source inspires him; Walden enjoys being the boy-toy of a wealthy older woman.
I Scream When I Pee
Alans famous ex-wife, Kandi, wants to reconcile; when Berta isn't interested in celebrating her birthday, Walden tries to make her day special.
One Nut Johnson
Alan helps Walden create a new identity so he can avoid women who are only interested in his money.
Give Santa a Tail-Hole
Walden juggles his two identities; Alan ends up alone on Christmas.
Welcome to Alancrest
Alan invests Walden's money in Kate's fashion line; leading a double life takes its toll on Walden.
Grab a Feather and Get in Line
Alan and Walden go to Kate's fashion show in New York so Walden can reveal the truth about his identity.
Run, Steven Staven! Run!
Alan is faced with relationship trouble when he does not give Lyndsey a key to the beach house; Walden, Alan, Herb and Billy commiserate about relationships.
Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
When Jake brings his 36-year-old girlfriend home for a visit, Alan is concerned; Walden tries to hide something from Alan.
Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
Depressed on Valentine's Day, Walden tries to talk Kate into giving him another chance; Alan's holiday plans go south.
Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
When Walden runs into his ex and they start talking about getting back together, Alan worries that she is not good enough.
The 9:04 from Pemberton
After a fight with Walden, Alan decides to move in with Herb.
Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon
Alan and Walden end up partying too hard as they try to cheer up Herb.
Bazinga! That's from a TV Show
Walden and Alan are caught in the crossfire when Jake cheats on his girlfriend (Jaime Pressly) with her 18-year-old daughter.
Another Night with Neil Diamond
Alan has a difficult time coping when Lyndsey breaks up with him.
My Bodacious Vidalia
With encouragement from Walden, Alan decides to update his look; Alan is faced with a moral dilemma when he attracts a married woman.
Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
Walden dates an attractive 22-year-old (Hilary Duff), but ends up being more interested in her grandmother (Marilu Henner); Jake and Alan go on a trip.
Nangnangnangnang
Charlie's 25-year-old daughter arrives at the beach house, hoping to get to know her family.
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
Jenny moves in with Evelyn and her wealthy boyfriend, Marty.
This Unblessed Biscuit
Walden and Alan think it may be time for Berta to retire when she injures her back at work. When they suggest her retiring, she grows offended, and as the conversation progresses she quits. Walden and Alan then try different maids, with little success.
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
Alan and Lyndsey's illicit relationship becomes jeopardized when one of Lyndsey's man-hunting friends, Stephanie (Jennifer Aspen), asks if they are back together. The two staunchly deny it, then Lyndsey insists that Alan make a date with Stephanie so that she will believe their lie. Alan meets her for an uncomfortable date, which nevertheless leads to sex, causing Lyndsey to get mad and leave Alan again.
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
Alan tries to find out what Lyndsey's boyfriend has over him; Walden helps Jenny pursue her acting career.
Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
When Alan learns Walden knows Lynda Carter, he asks him to set him up on a date with her. Against his better judgment, Walden agrees to invite her to the house for dinner.
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
Walden and Alan find themselves on dates with two ideal women until Lyndsey's jealousy throws a wrench in their evening.
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
Alan and Lyndsey's illicit affair puts Walden in danger, forcing him to accept Rose's help.
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
Walden goes on a date with an accident-prone model; Alan's date reveals surprising personal information about herself to him.
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!
Jake sends Alan a Japanese delicacy; the house comes alive with questionable Christmas lyrics.
Tazed in the Lady Nuts
Walden joins his beautiful former employee on a brilliant new project. Meanwhile, Alan advises Jenny to open up to her girlfriend or risk losing her.
Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
Lyndsey's boyfriend sets Alan up on a date; Walden wants to help Nicole with her project so she will have time to date him.
Bite Me, Supreme Court
Marty Pepper proposes to Evelyn; Alan and Walden plan a bachelor party for Marty.
Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe
Alan finds out that Lyndsey broke up with Larry without telling him; Walden tries to prove he is a man's man.
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
Alan asks Lyndsey to choose between him and Larry; Jenny worries that she and Brooke are growing apart.
How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
Walden thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him; Alan starts dating Larry's sister, Gretchen.
Welcome Home, Jake
Lyndsey finds out about Alan's relationship with Gretchen; Walden has a difficult time telling Barry to find his own place.
West Side Story
Walden gets an invitation to his ex-girlfriend's boutique opening. Meanwhile, Gretchen wants to spend more time at Alan's house.
Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang
After reconnecting with Kate, Walden becomes convinced she is the one for him -- until he meets a woman named Vivian.
Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
Alan finds an opportunity to make money; Walden addresses his co-dependency issues.
Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
Alan's girlfriend, Gretchen, insists he confess his true identity to Larry. Meanwhile, Walden goes on a road trip with Jenny and Barry to see his first car.
Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Alan must face the consequences after revealing his identity to Larry.
The Ol' Mexican Spinach
After a health scare on Halloween, Walden decides he needs to change his life.
A Chic Bar in Ibiza
Alan has second thoughts about getting married after he's asked to sign a pre-nup.
Glamping in a Yurt
Alan and Walden have a meeting with an adoption social worker that hinges on them being convincing as a loving couple. Lyndsey returns after 60 days in rehab.
Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
A birth mother considers having Walden and Alan adopt her baby.
Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
Walden becomes a foster parent to a 6-year-old boy, but worries about himself when they don't hit it off like he hoped.
Alan Shot a Little Girl
Alan breaks Walden's rules when he realizes that Louis thinks he's cool, and he wants it to stay that way.
Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
Alan and Walden befriend three moms at a kids’ gym, but things get complicated when Walden becomes attracted to one of them. Alan goes out for a girls’ night with a group of moms.
Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
Alan and Walden attempt to convince Louis that Santa Claus is real.
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
Walden discovers how challenging it is to be intimate with women when his foster son, Louis, is in the house. Also, Herb asks Alan if he can go on a date with Lyndsey.
Here I Come, Pants!
Alan takes it upon himself to help Walden keep Louis after the social worker discovers he and Walden are not really a gay couple.
For Whom the Booty Calls
Walden joins a group for adoptive fathers, and finds it to be a nice escape from Alan.
A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
When Alan breaks up with their social worker to get back together with Lyndsey, Walden worries it will affect Louis’ adoption.
Boompa Loved His Hookers
Walden fears if he breaks up with Ms. McMartin, it will jeopardize his adoption of Louis. Also, Alan hesitates when Lyndsey asks him to move in with her.
Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
After they sign their divorce papers, Walden offers Alan the gift of his choice, but when Alan chooses something selfish and impractical, it puts his relationship with Lyndsey on the line.
Of Course He's Dead (1)
Charlie Harper is alive. Or is he?
Of Course He's Dead (2)
Charlie Harper is alive. Or is he?
Cast
Ashton Kutcher
Walden Schmidt
Jon Cryer
Alan Harper
Conchata Ferrell
Berta
Crew
Jim Patterson
Executive Producer
Tim Kelleher
Consulting Producer
Warren Bell
Consulting Producer
Mark Davison
Director of Photography
Michael Collier
Executive Producer
Steve Tompkins
Co-Executive Producer
Carol Anne Miller
Producer
Joe Bella
Co-Producer
Don Reo
Executive Producer
Jerry O'Sullivan
Associate Producer
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